from the behaviors of your dad but also your mom. It is important to look at the patterns between your mom and dad and those between both parents and you. Then you can specifically identify what it is that you do not want to repeat and choose to behave differently. For example, when you become angry, what do you do? Rather than following the patterns of the past, follow biblical guidelines for dealing with anger.

With the power of the Holy Spirit in your life, you can break unhealthy family patterns and practice new ways to behave. After all, the hope of every Christian is the promise of changing the old into new when you surrender your life to Christ. The problem comes when you are not aware of the unhealthy patterns you repeat or refuse to change. With Christ, you are not a victim of your past.

© Getty Images

Whenever you feel as if you are behaving in an unhealthy pattern similar to your mom or dad, pause and examine your behavior. Decide if you need to behave differently and model your life after Christ. Since all of Christ is in you, you have the power to change.

If you need additional help with changing unhealthy family patterns, see a family therapist. Parenting tends to trigger unresolved issues from the past. But if you identify the triggers and resolve the hurts or wounds, you can behave differently.

QHow can I know and trust the parents of my child’s friends enough to let him spend the night at their houses? Am I being too careful?

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

• Overweight Kids by Dr. Linda Mintle (Thomas Nelson, 2005)

• A Daughter’s

Journey Home by Dr. Linda Mintle (Thomas Nelson, 2004)

• Yum Yum Dishes — These fun bowls help limit portion sizes to help families eat healthier. Visit www.yumyumdish. com.

the friend to spend the night at your house. If he is allowed to come, make sure you interact with the child, listen to conversations, talk about his family, and try to discern some of his beliefs and values. Talk to his parents about rules, expectations, and the plan for the night, including where you will be and how the kids will be monitored. This will help them understand your level of expectation for a sleepover in case you decide to allow this in the future.

Finally, tell your child that if he does go to a sleepover and feels uncomfortable, he should call you and you will come and get him — no questions asked. 

AHonestly, I am not a big fan of sleepovers for preschool and elementary-age children unless I know the families very well. There are too many possible problems because of potential differences in family values and rules. For example, a friend’s family may watch a scary movie before bedtime, and you do not want your child exposed to scary movies. Since many school-age kids are not assertive enough to say this is inappropriate or call home to check with parents, they will watch the movie and have nightmares from the exposure. Plus kids are not always good at telling you when they felt uncomfortable in someone else’s home.

To avoid these and other problems, explain to your child that your family rarely does sleepovers. Tell his friend’s parents the same. Your rule is not anything personal to the family but more of a policy your family holds.

If you do not want to ban sleepovers altogether, another option is to invite

Dr. Linda Mintle is a licensed therapist who has been in clinical practice for over 20 years. She is the author of 13 books, a national speaker, and the resident expert on ABC Family’s Living the Life TV show. For more about Dr. Linda, go to her Web site, www.drlindahelps.com.

MARCH 2008 PARENTLIFE 45